Me pack felt heavier than a dragon’s hoard, and me wounds was burnin’ like fire. I glared at the potion of healing in me hand. It was one o’ them diet types, the kind me so-called “mates” been shovin’ at me since we left town. “It’s fer yer own good,” they’d say, grinnin’ like a bunch o’ hyenas. “You’ll thank us when yer not rollin’ down hills like a barrel.” Cheeky gits.
I popped the cork and downed the potion in one go. Me wounds started to close, but me belly started rumblin’. “Oi, what’s this then?” I muttered. Then it hit me. Gas. Not just a little burp, mind you, but a proper symphony o’ wind that’d make a bard weep. Me companions scattered. “Yer a menace!” shouted Thalissa. I just grinned, lettin’ another one go.
The next potion, a diet potion of climbing, made me glow. “The guards’ll spot yah miles away!” hissed Burin, his beard twitchin’ in frustration. I shrugged, me skin shinin’ like a granny apple in the sun. “Ain’t me fault yer plan relied on sneakin’,” I shot back. “Besides, who needs stealth when ye got style?” I climbed over the wall, lightin’ it up without a worry. The others groaned, but I caught Thalissa crackin’ a smile.
By the time we reached the cave, I was feelin’ right sluggish, courtesy o’ a diet potion of growth. I doubled in size, but me feet felt like they’d been made o’ lead. When the ambush came, I were a bit slow gettin’ to the fight. “Yer supposed to be the muscle!” Burin yelled, duckin’ behind a rock. “What’s it look like I’m doin’?” I shouted back, trudgin’ to the front. The battle dragged on, but we made it through, thanks to me potions. As we looted the cave, Thalissa patted me belly. “See? Diet potions ain’t so bad.”
Diet Potion
Potion, Varies
This potion has the same rarity and function as its non-diet counterpart, but has half as many calories and a random side effect. When you consume it, apply its normal effects, then roll on the following table to determine its side effect (e.g. consuming a diet potion of healing heals 2d4+2 hit points, then you roll on the table):
| d10 | Side Effect |
| 1 | Gassy. You gain the poisoned condition for 1 minute or until you use an action to burp. |
| 2 | Sleepy. You fall asleep for 1 minute or until you are dealt any damage. |
| 3 | Sluggish. Your movement speed is reduced by 10 feet for 1 hour. |
| 4 | Unstable. You are dealt 1d10 psychic damage at the start of your next turn. |
| 5 | Animal Magnetism. Tiny beasts are attracted to you for 1 hour. |
| 6 | Glowing. You emit dim light in a 5-foot-radius around yourself for 1 hour. |
| 7 | Alacrity. You can add 1d6 to your next initiative roll before dawn. |
| 8 | Fortified. You gain 1d8 temporary hit points. |
| 9 | Guts. You have advantage on saving throws against being frightened for 1 minute. |
| 10 | Shielded. You have a +1 bonus to armor class for 1 minute. |
Check out last week’s item: bamboots.
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