I were sick of it. Every bleeding night, same old song. Too much ale, too much shouting, and then some bouncer dragging me out by me scruff. “Yer done, greenskin,” he’d say, and out I’d go, rolling in street muck. I’d had enough. So I went to see Doc. Now, Doc weren’t a proper sawbones; called himself a “therapist” what fixed broken thinkin’ or folks who liked to booze more than others.
“Listen, Doc,” I said, slumping into his couch made of ragged cushions. “I’m fed up with gettin’ kicked out of the pub for over-drinkin’. Ain’t there somethin’ you can do?”
Doc stroked his wispy chin hairs, then reached under his desk and slapped down a pair of boots. They were ugly things, with rusty steel-toes and bits of untreated leather. “The boots of kicking and screaming,” he said. “They’ll sort ya right out.”
That night, I put them to the test. Drank me weight in cheap grog, started a ruckus over a rigged dice game, and sure enough, here came the bouncer. He grabbed me, then the boots screamed. Not a little yelp, but a full-throated, ear-splitting shriek, like a banshee from the old tales. The bouncer let go like I was on fire. Then I gave him a swift kick to the shins with me new boots. Sent him flying into a stack of kegs. “From now on, if anybody’s gettin’ kicked out, I’m doin’ the kickin’.”
Boots of Kicking and Screaming
Wondrous Item (Boots), Rare
While wearing these boots, you gain a +1 bonus to the attack rolls and the damage rolls you make with unarmed strikes. If you hit a creature with these boots, you deal an extra 1d6 thunder damage to them.
As a Bonus action, you can make the boots release a loud scream audible out to 300 feet. Any creature grappling you must succeed on a DC 15 Constitution saving throw or release the grapple. Once this Bonus action has been used, it cannot be used again until the next dawn.
Check out last week’s item: the headless headsman’s axe.
